You won't admit you love me,
and so,
how am I ever
to know?
You always tell me,
"Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps",
"Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps".
Hi, it's Steve.
Hi, Steve.
- So what was the pause for? - I don't know, I panicked.
So what did you do after the pause?
Well, the pause got out of control.
- You kept pausing? - It got away from me.
At first, it was just a normal pause.
- A collect your thoughts pause. - Perfectly acceptable.
But then, then I thought about the pause.
And now, the pause is too long to ignore.
The pause is like a whole third person in the conversation.
- Exactly. - Only not saying much.
Right.
Like Patrick.
Now, I'm a rabbit in headlights.
This pause is just expanding, and expanding,
like this out of control thing.
- Like in "The Blob". - Yes, like in... what?
"The Blob", 50's horror movie.
This blob comes from outer space, and just keeps growing and growing.
Right... thanks.
It eats people, and in the end they kill it by electrocution.
But that bit doesn't really apply here.
Right. Anyway,
I've got the phone in my hand, and I'm saying nothing.
Right.
No, nothing. Nothing is coming into my head.
I have forgotten, in one moment of embarassment,
the entire English language.
- I hate it when that happens. - I can feal my hair sweating.
Oh god yeah, and there's always this puppy trapped in a car that you've got to rescue.
What?
Oh sorry, I'm back on the Blob there.
There's always this puppy trapped in a car in those movies.
Ok, sorry.
- So the Blob from space is the pause? - Yeah.
What exactly is the puppy?
Love.
What?
Well, obviously the puppy represents love.
You've got to rescue the puppy of love,
from the car of conversation.
That's right, isn't it Jeff?
Steve?
Hi, it's Steve.
You said.
Right, right, of course.
There seems to be a fault on this line.
- Brilliant! - Very good.
A fault?
You couldn't hear me talking then, could you?
I could hear you breathing.
That wasn't me.
Wasn't you?
No, no. Maybe there's someone behind you.
I'm alone.
Look...
...I was just wondering, would you like to meet up some time,
or alternatively I could never phone you again and emigrate.
How about tomorrow night?
Great.
I suggest New Zealand.
Alright.
Kidding...
Right!
Why don't you come around to my place, I'll cook.
- You said what? - I'll cook!
It just came out of my mouth.
You know what "I'll cook" says? It says, "let's have sex!"
No, that would be "come and spend the night with me".
"Come and spend the night with me" says "let's have sex".
"I'll cook" says "let's have sex, and I'll cater".
Sally...
Susan, you are offering this man food and sex in the same place.
If there's something to read in the loo he may never leave.
Men don't expect sex just because you offer to cook.
Ok. Have you thought through youre foreplay yet?
They know about that?
What do you mean, foreplay?
What do you think I mean?
I mean, when exactly do you take your socks off?
My advice is to get them off right after your shoes,
and before your trousers.
That's the sock gap.
Miss it, and suddenly you're a naked man in socks.
No self-respecting woman will ever let
a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her.
That's your foreplay tip? Socks?
Many men have fallen through the sock gap, Patrick.
Under the sexual arena of earthly delight,
there lurks a deadly pit of socks.
Ok, foreplay tip number 2.
Whoever you normally fantasize about during sex,
start calling them Susan.
With you, it's always Mariella Frostrup, right?
Well, call her Susan Frostrup.
That way, when you're in bed with Susan,
you won't shout the wrong name when you've got your eyes shut.
Or you could call her God.
Yes, that will work.
So, is it absolutely necessary to think about somebody else?
Everybody does.
That's why there are so many celebrity marriages.
I'm sorry?
If you fantasize about somebody else during sex, and so does your partner,
and those two people that you're fantasizing about happen to meet
while you're still doing it, they're bound to feel something, aren't they?
Because they're connecting on a virtual plane.
So, can you imagine what it was like when Posh first met Beckham.
They were the epicenter of a non-stop,
nation-wide virtual shag.
There's no wonder she got pregnant.
When the van comes for you Jeff, go quietly.
Ok.
So I just popped in for a drink with Sal, before I get home and start cooking.
Wasn't expecting to see you.
- Could I have a word, please? - Sure.
You guys ok for drinks?
Yeah, sure.
Can I just clarify, when I say dinner, I mean dinner.
I know that. Absolutely.
Plain ordinary cooking.
I wasn't expecting a fish course.
So you can stop worrying about your socks.
I think they just melted.
A motor show.
Yeah, I thought we could go together. You like cars right?
Everybody likes cars.
- Would this be a date? - I'm sorry?
I'd love to go, Patrick, but strictly as your friend.
What do you mean, friend, exactly?
I wouldn't be your date.
I'd be your friend.
No, sorry, still not with you.
Ok, let's take it slowly.
What do you call people,
you go out with, but you don't try to sleep with?
Men.
Right.
Now, since I'm only a friend date,
do you want to take this ticket back,
and get an upgrade?
Hey, no, we can go as the, friends thing.
I'm never gonna sleep with you, Patrick.
Ever, ever, ever.
- Ok, thanks. - See you.
- Looked like a dumping conversation. - It was.
- How did it go? - She took it ok.
Would you consider a naked man in socks?
I would consider anything, except animals and Tories.
- Maybe Angus Deayton. - What?
I think Angus could pull off naked in socks.
Susan, you've got to get past this Angus thing.
I'm trying! So how's the Patrick thing going?
- It isn't. - I told you he wasn't your type.
I'm surprised he was ever yours.
What did you see in him? He's so dull.
I need personality, verve, humor.
At least now I know why you called him "donkey brain".
Actually, I called him "donkey".
Yeah, but I got the point.
No, you didn't.
What?
- You mean, you mean...? - Some men are born lucky.
Some men are born very lucky.
What was Patrick born?
A tripod.
You let me dump a tripod! You bitch!
Oh, come on. You'd have dumped him anyway.
There are different levels of dumping, Susan.
There's dumping plain and simple,
and there's dumping afterwards!
Excuse me, girls.
Seem to have a bit of a balance problem.
- Ok, foreplay tip number 3. - Please, Jeff. No more.
What, you don't think you need help here?
Susan is no ordinary woman.
I don't think I need the advice of a man who had a panic attack,
at the prospect of sex with her.
Listen, do yourself a favor.
When you get to her flat, check out her remote controls.
Her what?
Her remote controls,
TV, video, sound system.
Check them out.
Why?
- You're talking about Susan's remotes? - Oh yeah.
- Amazing, isn't it? - Scary!
Scared me too, I didn't realize a woman could be that shameless.
So, a motor show you say...
I thought you didn't want to... go?
I didn't realize it was such a... big one.
She'll be with you in a moment.
What happened to personality, verve and humor?
Sod them! After all the men I've been out with,
I deserve a full-sized one.
Ok, but I'm not gonna stand here and watch you humiliate yourself.
- Oh, and just one thing. - What?
Patrick is a Tory.
What?
Here we all are.
I thought I'd find you all here.
- How's my favorite little ex, hmm? - Fine.
Such a good idea, staying friends with exes.
Take it from someone who knows.
Friendships, more lasting than love,
and more legal than stalking.
Everybody, I want you to meet Howard.
- Hi. - Hi.
Does anyone know if that big ginger bloke is still working behind the bar here?
- Sometimes. - Excellent.
He's an ex of mine, I think I still owe him a slap.
I'll get the drinks then.
Isn't he just perfect?
He's gorgeous!
And tonight he's mine.
Jane, isn't he gay?
Fascist!
No, I'm just saying he goes out with men. Not women, men.
Tada, I'm bisexual. Howard?
Now I don't want you to get unduely excited, but I'm off to cook.
Great.
You can come and watch. In that order.
Great.
Susan, Susan...
How Tory?
Ok, how big?
I think we're almost ready.
Don't you just love oven timers.
You have got an oven. There's a square thing in the kitchen,
I just put books in it,
'til there was a slight fire incident.
Oh, yeah, yes!
I'm such a great cook.
Oh, I see, right.
- You okay? - Yeah, just, um...
Oh, of course. A man, a television.
Better leave you two alone.
- Is there anything I can do? - Just relax.
Shouldn't have gotten you here so early.
But if Sally is going to humiliate herself,
I'd rather have she had a smaller audience if possible.
It's my fault, really. I told her something about Patrick. I shouldn't.
Probably the batteries have run out.
Yeah, yeah. I'll just, um...
They've also climbed out.
I'll have put them in something else.
I'm always running out of batteries.
No, these are empty too.
Oh hang on, I think I know where they ended up.
There you are.
Thanks.
What am I thinking? I've just bought some new ones!
Tada!
You find your batteries always run out very quickly.
I've never had any complaints.
Sorry?
Nothing.
What was it you told Sally about Patrick that you shouldn't have?
Oh, just that my ex is a very big boy indeed.
I'd watch some TV, I'm gonna jump in the shower.
Think about Blair, think about Blair...
Is this country ready for a president?
- Yeah, I know what you mean. - Exactly.
It worries me that man, the Tories have got to find a way to save the country from him.
Yes, yes I see your point.
You said all Tories should be drowned in their own vomit.
Doesn't mean I can't see their point of view.
You know what we need now? We need Maggie back.
- Oh, dear god. - What's wrong with good old Maggie?
You can't be against her, can you?
Patrick, it'd better be enormous!
What?
The motor show.
It'd better be a REALLY BIG motor show.
What are you suddenly bringing up the motor show for?
Because I have never
been to a motor show with a Tory.
So it better be a really big,
enormous, throbbing motor show.
That's all I'm saying.
You know, you're a lot more fun when you're relaxed.
Not as funny, but a lot more fun.
Thank you.
What is it about men?
You're supposed to be the confident ones.
You're supposed to be chasing us.
It takes some of the excitement away, if we keep having to shout "hurry up!"
Hang on.
Yes, first dates are more stressful for men.
For us, it's the unknown.
- For us too. - No.
You know one more thing than we do.
What?
You know.
I don't.
Ok.
On a date, any date,
I'm not saying this date in particular,
the guy is wondering whether he'll get lucky.
- Or not, that's all he's thinking. - True.
And the woman,
she already knows.
- Also true. - So you see.
We're dealing with the unknown.
I always thought it was because you were worried about your equipment.
My what?
You know.
If he's gonna fire off too soon or something.
You really are upfront, aren't you.
I mean I, personally,
never had any,
worries about premature,
firing.
- Just about the unknown. - Exactly.
Steve.
Yes?
You're definately getting lucky tonight.
Just to take the pressure off.
Well, that's great!
That's fantastic.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
See, now,
I can relax.
Great.
Aren't you gonna swallow?
Oh yeah, I'm getting there.
Maggie Thatcher, in my opinion...
Now listen to this, Patrick,
this is the voice of an oppressed minority.
Maggie Thatcher is the best prime minister
this country has ever had.
How dare you say that?
You're gay, you're on our side!
Actually, Sally, Howard doesn't think of himself as gay.
Yes I do.
No, there are no homosexuals,
there are just peoplesexuals.
No Jane, there are definitively homosexuals.
Howard, do you want gay men to be labelled?
Yes, that would be fantastic.
Must be a lot easier, being gay.
Sex must be a piece of piss if you're gay.
Why's that?
'Couse if you're gay,
if you're gay, masturbation is practice.
You can have a good old practice on your own,
and when you're ready, when you've got the hang of it,
you have a go at someone elses.
Piece of piss.
It's a very good point, actually.
No, it's not. It's homophobic, you stupid queen.
It is not in the least bit homophobic.
Hello, there's no such thing as homophobia,
there's just peoplephobia.
It's different, it's different if you're a straight bloke.
When we finally get our hands on the gear,
let me tell you, it's not a drill.
Gays, they've got their own practice kit,
but you don't get any practice-women.
We're supposed to fly these babies the first time we get in them.
That's not funny.
"Get in them" is not funny.
- Oh, don't be so political correct. - Typical lefty puritan.
Typical what?
Come the revolution.
What revolution? You guys are in power. We're the revolution now.
No. No, that can't be right.
- You're the evil empire. - No.
Yes, like Star Wars, and Patrick and me are the Rebel Alliance.
No.
You're not the goodies. We're the goodies.
We're lefties, we're always goodies.
No Sally, you are the established majority.
Don't say that, you bastard!
You can't call me bastard anymore, that's oppressive.
Aah, you're oppressing me!
You're going to the loo?
Yeah.
Wait and go with Patrick, there's something I need to know.
What?
Just wait and go with Patrick!
So what about Jane?
- Jane? - Your ex.
I mean, she's very beautiful. Hope I can measure up.
Hope I can measure up to your ex.
Patrick, oh he's sweet.
It's always kind of difficult, meeting your predecessors, isn't it?
I used to go with this girl years ago,
her ex was like this big,
muscle-bound god.
I was really intimidated until she told me that
every time they're in bed together,
and he was on his way in, so to speak,
he used to go, "Jeronimo!".
She told me that it wasn't really a problem.
Yes, I remember Patrick doing something like that.
Really, what?
Every time he was making an entrance as it were,
he'd say, "Just say when".
Anyway, that's enough chat.
About exes?
About anything.
Jane, I hope you don't mind, there's something I need to get straight.
Not at all, this is much more romantic.
Yeah.
You see, I'm beginning to think there's a bit of a misunderstanding.
This is not a date.
Oh god!
There has been a misunderstanding, Howard.
This is a date.
Jane, I'm gay.
No problem, so am I.
No, you're not.
Well, I'm a little bit gay.
- And if you were, that would be 2 problems. - Homophobe!
No, I'm homosexual.
Oh Howard, I know you're a homosexual.
That doesn't mean you don't go out with women, just like any other man.
Look, look over there. two straight men.
They go out with women.
You don't expect them to go out with eachother, do you?
Yes of course I do now and then, if it's convenient.
No, no you don't.
I expect they're always nipping off together for a cuddle.
It's just you that's narrow-minded.
Jane, I am gay.
And I've always, always been gay.
I was the sperm at the back, shouting,
"No, don't send me into that big, scary cave!"
I was the only sperm that had to be chased by the egg.
Don't you get it? I'm gay!
Wow, you certainly seem to be under that impression.
You like Portillo?
I nearly cried when he lost his suit.
That's illegal.
Hang on.
Don't go yet.
You've got to go with Patrick.
You're weird.
You're weird, you are.
Jeff Murdock, is there a Jeff Murdock here?
Yes.
Phone call for you.
- Listen. - Keep away from me.
Hello?
Jeff, it's Steve.
- Steve, how is it going? - Fine, great.
She's in the bathroom, doing whatever they do.
Things are getting seriously weird here,
let me tell you.
That Sally is a really weird person.
Yeah, whatever. Look, I need you to do something for me.
What?
When Patrick goes to the loo, can you go with him?
Jeff? Jeff?
- Can I sit here? - Sure, no problem.
It would be nice to have someone open-minded at the table.
- Someone flexible. - It's really weird tonight.
People are behaving a little oddly, I must say.
Glad someone else has noticed.
Oh look, Jeff,
Patrick has gone to the loo,
why don't you go with him,
have a bit of a cuddle?
I need you!
- I was just... - But can it mow the lawn?
I think the next model up comes with this trimmer attachment.
Do you really?
I've got this feeling you're getting unrelaxed again.
No, no!
Don't worry, I know just the thing.
Now, let's get squelching.
- Mariella! - Angus!
You look...
So do you.
I'm terribly sorry.
- Oh god, are you alright? - It's ok, it's fine.
So, so, so sorry.
Don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys.
Why did I say that?
If you can't make your mind up,
we'll never
get started.
And I don't want to wind up
being parted,
broken hearted.
So if you really love me,
say "Yes",
and please don't tell me,
"Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps".